I don’t know any parent who feels like their job is easy. We’re all trying to do our best at something we have no idea how to do. We’re all trying to balance what keeps us fulfilled with meeting the needs of everyone around us. I think we all probably experience moments of doubt, insecurity, guilt, and overwhelmed ness (us that a word?).
Maybe it’s because I’m only 5 weeks post-partum, maybe it’s because I now have two kids, or because I’m exhausted, but being a parent to a child with special needs is starting to feel heavier than it has up to this point. The moment Olivia was born it was like everything hit me all at once. Everything I’d compartmentalized during the pregnancy. Bennett’s seizures (which started literally 1 week after finding out we were pregnant), his SCN8A diagnosis and the prognosis that comes with that, the horrific pregnancy, the fear that Bennett could pass away young and unexpectedly, the fear that Olivia will always feel like everything is about Bennett because medical emergencies are bound to happen and take precedence over important moments for her, the fear that after this awful pregnancy and resenting the fact that we now have two children 14 months apart, I may not be able to bond with her or love her as much as I love Bennett. I’m not sure how rational all of these feelings and thoughts were in the moment, but I basically had a panic attack and everyone needed to leave the room while I handed Olivia to Dave so I could breathe and calm down for a minute.
The weeks following this meltdown have been more of the same. All of a sudden I am feeling the fear of losing Bennett more poignantly than ever before, I’m struggling to bond with Olivia and I’m wracked with guilt about it. I’m worried about Bennett’s developmental progress more than before, And I’m itching to get back to my old life where I had the flexibility and freedom to see clients when I wanted to, write my dissertation when I wanted to, and overall just be successful in this PhD program I only have 1 year left in. I’m tired of being on sick leave, but I feel guilty wanting to leave my kids for hours at a time. I don’t know the best option for childcare and I don’t know if I want Olivia to be with someone else so young or if I can handle having her stay with me while I try to be productive. I don’t even know if I want to continue along the same track with my dissertation or take it in a completely new direction at this point.
I’m so tired all the time, not to mention anxious, and I just don’t know how to do everything. While I feel better physically than I have in 9 months (Halle-freaking-lujah!), I’m conflicted now because I want to do all the things, but I’m still recovering from 9 months of my body being completely wrecked as well as an intense birth with a lot of pain during recovery. At least before I was so sick that I didn’t have to make any of these hard decisions about where to spend my time and how to prioritize my life or balance being a mom with being a therapist and student. I just needed to white-knuckle it and survive until Olivia was born, which meant there were no decisions to be made really.
I think overall I will probably get the hang of this work/life balance thing eventually, but for now it just really feels like I need a break. I need a break where I can sleep through the night, not worry about Bennett having a seizure or going into cardiac arrest, not freak out every time Olivia forgets to breathe and turns blue before she starts breathing again (which she always does, thankfully), not have to feel the guilt of wanting to leave my kids to get back to my PhD and the equal amount of guilt for not working on my PhD at all for the last solid year. I’m not sure how new moms do this, and I’m especially not sure how people balance their lives when they have a special needs child constantly throwing curve-balls at them, but I have a whole new respect for people who do it with (what looks like) grace. I’m hoping I can get to a good place quickly where I feel fulfilled professionally and as a mom to my kids, but until then, wish me luck navigating the waters through this tough transition in my life. And thanks for the support from everyone. It is so appreciated even if I’ve been too overwhelmed to respond to you.
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